Is there a feeling worse than knowing that your feelings for the person you love is not returned? But somehow, I've now found myself in this situation 3 times already. Each time, I pour my heart and soul out for that person, I give them everything I have. And each time I am disappointed by seeing it all lying disregarded... I know that love cannot be forced and it cannot be explained, but it does not mean that it does not hurt every time my feelings are not treasured and are instead dumped to one side.
However, this last time, I have found myself not being able to let go. Although he has already told me that he does not like me, I still find myself giving him all my thought, all my attention and all my feelings. Willingly. Is it selfish of me to continue liking him? It seems unfair on him to have to put up with my feelings when he just wants to remain as good friends, it'll be a burden to him and I am the last person to want to cause him distress... I wish I could control my heart and thoughts, tell them that I shouldn't linger on something that is not mine, no matter how much I give, I will gain nothing but sadness in the end...
Wednesday, 18 August 2010
Tuesday, 27 July 2010
What is true love?
A girl once asked a boy: "What is true Love?"
The boy replied: "Well, that has to be a love where you are willing to die for the other". To this, the girl nodded her head, then slowly shook her head. "Then what do you think true Love is?"
"Love is a habit", the girl smiled "When you become accustomed to the habits of another person in life, then you really love that person."
"Love is when one person is comfortable with another person's habits. For example: A woman is used to sleeping with her husband's snoring, so much that when there isn't a snoring, she can't sleep; A man gets used to all a woman's jealousy, pouting and even her temper. That is true love."
"A person can adjust to another person's habits, or even change themselves for the other. That is true love."
"When you find yourself not being able to stand another person's habits, then you may not truly love them or you don't love them enough."
"If you are used to someone's habit so much, you will even like the cigarrette smell on their clothes; or their clean shirts; or them getting up in the middle of the night to watch football."
So don't ever ask such a stupid question as "what is true love" again.
Some people say: "It's not that you love him...it's you love the days with him"
Being perfectly in tune with another person, is the truest love.
There are also sayings that true love is the ability to "Let go"
There was once a girl, who was involved in a car accident and was then in a coma for four years.
Eventually when she opens her eyes and faces the new world again, she has lost all her memories. But standing next to her she sees a man flaked with snow-white hair, to whom she says "Papa!" and happily embraces him.
Over the next few months, she recovers well under the attentive care of her father. And following her physiotherapy, she slowly begins to walk again. During this time...she notices a protected folder on her old computer, but she can no longer remember the password to access it and so takes little notice of it.
Four months later...she starts her new job. Her colleagues are all encouraging to her and friendly. In particular, there is one guy whom she feels particularly attached to. He always helps her around the office, and cheers her on when she is feeling defeated...she finds herself slowly falling in love with him and he also returns her affections.
By the end of the year, he eventually proposes to her and she accepts happily taking him along to meet her father to gain permission.
Her father simply asks "Do you truly love him?". She happily nods in agreement. "Very well...we shall prepare for your wedding" and slowly walks away to his room.
On the day of her wedding, her fiance rushes to her in the dressing room, holding an old piece of news paper. There was an article titled: 'Family of three meets a tragic car accident'....and the photo is of her....and her "Papa"....her faded memories begin to spin before her...She rushes to her old computer and types in the password correctly this time. A window opens containing photos of her and her "Papa"; anyone could tell from the happiness on their faces that they were in love...
Realisation hits her...the very person who had loved her, waited for her for four years, and cared for her was her "Papa". And he had silently endured her loss of memories, her change of heart. What pain must he have gone through when seeing her wear a beautiful white wedding gown....but to marry a person other than himself?
For her happiness, he had let go of her, told her to forget his love...that is true love.
The boy replied: "Well, that has to be a love where you are willing to die for the other". To this, the girl nodded her head, then slowly shook her head. "Then what do you think true Love is?"
"Love is a habit", the girl smiled "When you become accustomed to the habits of another person in life, then you really love that person."
"Love is when one person is comfortable with another person's habits. For example: A woman is used to sleeping with her husband's snoring, so much that when there isn't a snoring, she can't sleep; A man gets used to all a woman's jealousy, pouting and even her temper. That is true love."
"A person can adjust to another person's habits, or even change themselves for the other. That is true love."
"When you find yourself not being able to stand another person's habits, then you may not truly love them or you don't love them enough."
"If you are used to someone's habit so much, you will even like the cigarrette smell on their clothes; or their clean shirts; or them getting up in the middle of the night to watch football."
So don't ever ask such a stupid question as "what is true love" again.
Some people say: "It's not that you love him...it's you love the days with him"
Being perfectly in tune with another person, is the truest love.
There are also sayings that true love is the ability to "Let go"
There was once a girl, who was involved in a car accident and was then in a coma for four years.
Eventually when she opens her eyes and faces the new world again, she has lost all her memories. But standing next to her she sees a man flaked with snow-white hair, to whom she says "Papa!" and happily embraces him.
Over the next few months, she recovers well under the attentive care of her father. And following her physiotherapy, she slowly begins to walk again. During this time...she notices a protected folder on her old computer, but she can no longer remember the password to access it and so takes little notice of it.
Four months later...she starts her new job. Her colleagues are all encouraging to her and friendly. In particular, there is one guy whom she feels particularly attached to. He always helps her around the office, and cheers her on when she is feeling defeated...she finds herself slowly falling in love with him and he also returns her affections.
By the end of the year, he eventually proposes to her and she accepts happily taking him along to meet her father to gain permission.
Her father simply asks "Do you truly love him?". She happily nods in agreement. "Very well...we shall prepare for your wedding" and slowly walks away to his room.
On the day of her wedding, her fiance rushes to her in the dressing room, holding an old piece of news paper. There was an article titled: 'Family of three meets a tragic car accident'....and the photo is of her....and her "Papa"....her faded memories begin to spin before her...She rushes to her old computer and types in the password correctly this time. A window opens containing photos of her and her "Papa"; anyone could tell from the happiness on their faces that they were in love...
Realisation hits her...the very person who had loved her, waited for her for four years, and cared for her was her "Papa". And he had silently endured her loss of memories, her change of heart. What pain must he have gone through when seeing her wear a beautiful white wedding gown....but to marry a person other than himself?
For her happiness, he had let go of her, told her to forget his love...that is true love.
Sunday, 20 June 2010
Loneliness = Craving Company?
Loneliness is defined in the dictionary as: "the state of being alone in solitary isolation" or "a sadness resulting from being forsakened or abandoned". I've felt the meaning of this word and from what I know, it means being on your own with no one to care for you, no one to love you. Where you are captured within the darkest corners of coldness; where not ever a flicker of warmth can reach. Knowing the dreadful feeling of loneliness will in the end lead you to craving company, no matter what sort, as long as they are able to help you out of the dark pit. This is what I experienced.
As the definition had said, my loneliness first stemmed from being abandoned. After you are abandoned, it is very hard not to try and create a hard shell to protect yourself from the outside world. But the sadness eating away at your heart will eventually manifest itself as loneliness...so desperate are you to try and escape that you fling your hands up wildly, hoping in vain that somebody will grasp you and save you from drowning. This happiness of being rescued will intoxicate you so much that you will become blind to who exactly it is who rescued you. All you care about now is rejoicing and celebrating.
Just like an abandoned kitten, the owner who finds it will in the beginning forn over it; the kitten is too thankful for being saved and appreciative of the warmth it is being given to care about who this person is. But as the kitten becomes less intoxicated by the happiness, it will eventually begin to see who the owner is. And to its shock, it finds that its owner is an ugly, smelly, and penniless alcoholic! The kitten reels back from the sight, and begins to avoid the owner's touch. At the same time, the kitten meets the neighbour next door who is a handsome, charming and wealthy professional. This professional visits the kitten everyday offering it gifts of treats and toys....the kitten, helpless to his charms takes one last look at the man who had rescued it in its darkest hour of need, but decides to follow its new found love and thus abandons its saviour.
So should the kitten be accused of biting the hand which fed it? Should it be blamed for not wanting to suffer any more in the dark pit and grasping any hand that offered it help? Should it be blamed for being dazzled by the glamorous neighbour when it already had an owner? Or should it be blamed for not being able to love its saviour?
Love cannot be forced upon anyone. No matter how much you may be thankful to someone or are in debt to them, you cannot just force yourself to love them. All you will have towards them is gratitude. It is also not possible to explain why you fell in love with a person...there is no wrongness in loving someone or not loving someone. The wrongness is in your selfishness: when you selfishly used another person's kindness to your advantage regardless of their feelings or your own. Your guilt runs even deeper if you selfishly love another person and carelessly inflict sadness upon the person who loves you.
My guilt is deep. I may only pray for forgiveness.
Wednesday, 26 May 2010
My Mask
I was reading Kare Kano Manga today. It made me suddenly occur that what the main characters experienced at the beginning was very similar to me in everyday life. The story follows the female protagonist who on the surface seems to be a refined, intelligent, well-behaved, good tempered and pretty looking girl. Underneath, she is just a normal high school student who wants to be selfish and lazy. But because she loves being praised and admired by all those around her, she continues the facade and ends up losing her true self, so that she never has any true friends she can turn to. Besides her family, there are no other people who know what her true nature is like until one person accidentally reveals this, which forces her to confront herself.
In truth, what happened to her is very much similar to me. Since I was little, I had always never been very clever and was always constantly in trouble. Compared to my cousin who was like the model student at the time, I always felt so useless compared to her, and I envied how all the adults used to praise her, all the kids gathered around her. Even my parents would always use my cousin as a comparison to me, saying "Why did you do this? Look at Sally. She would never..." and the lecture would carry on.
However, along the line, I suddenly woke up one day and decided that I had had enough of being looked down upon. So I studied hard, worked hard in everything just so I could be the model student in my parents eyes, in my teachers eyes and in my friends' eyes. Eventually, I got what I had wanted. But I found myself being extremely depressed: there was nothing in my life that I had truly done for myself, everything was done for someone else, and what people percieved of me was not the real me. I felt extremely lost and frustrated, and there was a feeling of despair, as though I had fallen into an endless pit.
Even for the person I like. I strove to be what that person would like, what that person wanted and in the end, I was not myself. I suffered for acting out the part of the girlfriend that wasn't me, and because I was doing things that I did not want. I also suffered because I was trying to meet all their needs and none of mine were ever met, leaving a hollow feeling inside me. What was worse was that person liked something that I had made up; only liking my shell but not the pearl I was harbouring inside.
As the old saying goes, habits are hard to change! Facades are also hard to break. I have tried and tried to get rid of this outer me and reveal more of my true self. Along the way, I admit that I lost some friends, gained some true friends; I went through some sad times, but I gained many happy memories. All of which have been encouragement to me to keep on doing this until the day I can truly say: "I live for myself and I do everything for myself!"
In truth, what happened to her is very much similar to me. Since I was little, I had always never been very clever and was always constantly in trouble. Compared to my cousin who was like the model student at the time, I always felt so useless compared to her, and I envied how all the adults used to praise her, all the kids gathered around her. Even my parents would always use my cousin as a comparison to me, saying "Why did you do this? Look at Sally. She would never..." and the lecture would carry on.
However, along the line, I suddenly woke up one day and decided that I had had enough of being looked down upon. So I studied hard, worked hard in everything just so I could be the model student in my parents eyes, in my teachers eyes and in my friends' eyes. Eventually, I got what I had wanted. But I found myself being extremely depressed: there was nothing in my life that I had truly done for myself, everything was done for someone else, and what people percieved of me was not the real me. I felt extremely lost and frustrated, and there was a feeling of despair, as though I had fallen into an endless pit.
Even for the person I like. I strove to be what that person would like, what that person wanted and in the end, I was not myself. I suffered for acting out the part of the girlfriend that wasn't me, and because I was doing things that I did not want. I also suffered because I was trying to meet all their needs and none of mine were ever met, leaving a hollow feeling inside me. What was worse was that person liked something that I had made up; only liking my shell but not the pearl I was harbouring inside.
As the old saying goes, habits are hard to change! Facades are also hard to break. I have tried and tried to get rid of this outer me and reveal more of my true self. Along the way, I admit that I lost some friends, gained some true friends; I went through some sad times, but I gained many happy memories. All of which have been encouragement to me to keep on doing this until the day I can truly say: "I live for myself and I do everything for myself!"
Monday, 3 May 2010
If time could heal everything
If time could heal everything, then how long must one wait until the wound will disappear?
There are things that I have tried to bury in the deepest corners of my heart, so well hidden that I'd thought they were already forgotton with time. But just one incident could make everything resurface. One look, one smile, one word, were enough to make me remember things I had longed to be forgotton.
Sometimes, there are things which are felt so deeply, that they are forever engraved into your heart. Engravings cannot disappear with time, it can only become eroded and weathered so that it is not as visible as at the start. The only way an engraving can be removed is for it to be chipped off; the part of the stone removed. What you are left with will never be the same as the beginning, you are left with a hole where those engravings used to be.
I have once had feelings for a person so strong that they were engraved onto my heart. I tried hard to forget these feelings, thinking that time would heal my heart and at first it seemed to work. Until I ran into them again...
The feelings which I thought I had forgotten came rushing back out. I hadn't forgotten, I had simply tried to hide them and ignore them. So when I was faced with the subject again, the powerful feelings came crashing back into me, so clear were they that is seemed like no time had passed at all!
One smile was enough to let me remember what had made my heart beat so fast. One word was enough to make me remember how much I had admired him. One look reminded me of his warmth, his kindness and gentleness. How could I have forgotton? How am I supposed to forget?
There are things that I have tried to bury in the deepest corners of my heart, so well hidden that I'd thought they were already forgotton with time. But just one incident could make everything resurface. One look, one smile, one word, were enough to make me remember things I had longed to be forgotton.
Sometimes, there are things which are felt so deeply, that they are forever engraved into your heart. Engravings cannot disappear with time, it can only become eroded and weathered so that it is not as visible as at the start. The only way an engraving can be removed is for it to be chipped off; the part of the stone removed. What you are left with will never be the same as the beginning, you are left with a hole where those engravings used to be.
I have once had feelings for a person so strong that they were engraved onto my heart. I tried hard to forget these feelings, thinking that time would heal my heart and at first it seemed to work. Until I ran into them again...
The feelings which I thought I had forgotten came rushing back out. I hadn't forgotten, I had simply tried to hide them and ignore them. So when I was faced with the subject again, the powerful feelings came crashing back into me, so clear were they that is seemed like no time had passed at all!
One smile was enough to let me remember what had made my heart beat so fast. One word was enough to make me remember how much I had admired him. One look reminded me of his warmth, his kindness and gentleness. How could I have forgotton? How am I supposed to forget?
Monday, 14 September 2009
Day's Saviour
Today I was just walking leisurely back home from my local supermarket, minding my own business. But suddenly, this lady appears a few steps ahead of me, yelling at the top of her lungs about something (the content is so rude that I will not write it on here). You can see from a distance that several people were already taking huge detours, keeping a 10m radius away from her and avoiding all eye contact.
Alas, it was already too late for me. I had unknowingly stepped within the 10m radius whilst I was daydreaming! So I hoped that she had not noticed me and casted my eyes downwards, quickly stepping away from her, trying to gain as much distance as I could from her. I know this might have been very horrible of me and very prejudiced, but I do think it's in human nature (and instincts) to step away from danger.
Unfortunately for me. The lady noticed me the instant my foot set within her boundaries, then quick as a flash, she was right in front of me, blocking my way and yelling louder than ever before. The contents of her yelling were somewhere along the lines of "Why don't you go look for your own man" (without all the swearing and rude content directed at me). I was too shocked to even react! I had done nothing to provoke her! And although I gave her no response at all, somehow she carried on yelling!
By this time, the people at the nearby bus station and the people passing by were all turning their heads to watch the commotion, presuming that I knew the lady and had some kind of dispute with her. Although I do not blame them for walking away and not doing anything to help (just like how I wanted to avoid trouble), but in those few moments, I suddenly felt so misunderstood and helpless that I felt like crying...but knowing that if I did cry, it would only make my situation look much worse. Yet, I did not want to yell back at the lady for I believed that she may have some kind of a psychiatric disorder, so it wasn't her fault. She must have gone through some traumatising experience to be pushed to such a mental state...I guess I pitied her.
Finally, after a few minutes a kind lady walked over and interrupted her yelling, she quickly walked away as though afraid of something and I was left looking stunned...maybe a little hurt. It really took all my will to not break down and cry, as it's really so easy for someone like me, who would cry while watching cartoons...I could only thank the lady with me eyes and body language, for words had fled me by this point, but really....Thank god she turned up!!!
After calming down and reflecting, it's really made me realise how one tiny small helping hand or a kind gesture can really save another person. I shall be reminding myself to try and do one good deed a day from now on, as a repayment to the kind lady who came to my rescue =)
What would anyone else have done in my situation?
Alas, it was already too late for me. I had unknowingly stepped within the 10m radius whilst I was daydreaming! So I hoped that she had not noticed me and casted my eyes downwards, quickly stepping away from her, trying to gain as much distance as I could from her. I know this might have been very horrible of me and very prejudiced, but I do think it's in human nature (and instincts) to step away from danger.
Unfortunately for me. The lady noticed me the instant my foot set within her boundaries, then quick as a flash, she was right in front of me, blocking my way and yelling louder than ever before. The contents of her yelling were somewhere along the lines of "Why don't you go look for your own man" (without all the swearing and rude content directed at me). I was too shocked to even react! I had done nothing to provoke her! And although I gave her no response at all, somehow she carried on yelling!
By this time, the people at the nearby bus station and the people passing by were all turning their heads to watch the commotion, presuming that I knew the lady and had some kind of dispute with her. Although I do not blame them for walking away and not doing anything to help (just like how I wanted to avoid trouble), but in those few moments, I suddenly felt so misunderstood and helpless that I felt like crying...but knowing that if I did cry, it would only make my situation look much worse. Yet, I did not want to yell back at the lady for I believed that she may have some kind of a psychiatric disorder, so it wasn't her fault. She must have gone through some traumatising experience to be pushed to such a mental state...I guess I pitied her.
Finally, after a few minutes a kind lady walked over and interrupted her yelling, she quickly walked away as though afraid of something and I was left looking stunned...maybe a little hurt. It really took all my will to not break down and cry, as it's really so easy for someone like me, who would cry while watching cartoons...I could only thank the lady with me eyes and body language, for words had fled me by this point, but really....Thank god she turned up!!!
After calming down and reflecting, it's really made me realise how one tiny small helping hand or a kind gesture can really save another person. I shall be reminding myself to try and do one good deed a day from now on, as a repayment to the kind lady who came to my rescue =)
What would anyone else have done in my situation?
Saturday, 12 September 2009
A little coincidence
Today I ran into someone whom I was in primary school with! Although he attended a different secondary school from me but he always used to pass by my front door to get to school. Then we went about our separate ways to uni for 2 years and thus losing contact... But suddenly, I ran into him at the local supermarket where I live and it turns out that he lives round the corner of my new flat! He has to walk by my house everyday again! Hahaha! It's as if he's fated to always walk by my house wherever I live! :D
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