Loneliness = Craving Company?

Loneliness is defined in the dictionary as: "the state of being alone in solitary isolation" or "a sadness resulting from being forsakened or abandoned". I've felt the meaning of this word and from what I know, it means being on your own with no one to care for you, no one to love you. Where you are captured within the darkest corners of coldness; where not ever a flicker of warmth can reach. Knowing the dreadful feeling of loneliness will in the end lead you to craving company, no matter what sort, as long as they are able to help you out of the dark pit. This is what I experienced.

As the definition had said, my loneliness first stemmed from being abandoned. After you are abandoned, it is very hard not to try and create a hard shell to protect yourself from the outside world. But the sadness eating away at your heart will eventually manifest itself as loneliness...so desperate are you to try and escape that you fling your hands up wildly, hoping in vain that somebody will grasp you and save you from drowning. This happiness of being rescued will intoxicate you so much that you will become blind to who exactly it is who rescued you. All you care about now is rejoicing and celebrating.

Just like an abandoned kitten, the owner who finds it will in the beginning forn over it; the kitten is too thankful for being saved and appreciative of the warmth it is being given to care about who this person is. But as the kitten becomes less intoxicated by the happiness, it will eventually begin to see who the owner is. And to its shock, it finds that its owner is an ugly, smelly, and penniless alcoholic! The kitten reels back from the sight, and begins to avoid the owner's touch. At the same time, the kitten meets the neighbour next door who is a handsome, charming and wealthy professional. This professional visits the kitten everyday offering it gifts of treats and toys....the kitten, helpless to his charms takes one last look at the man who had rescued it in its darkest hour of need, but decides to follow its new found love and thus abandons its saviour.

So should the kitten be accused of biting the hand which fed it? Should it be blamed for not wanting to suffer any more in the dark pit and grasping any hand that offered it help? Should it be blamed for being dazzled by the glamorous neighbour when it already had an owner? Or should it be blamed for not being able to love its saviour?

Love cannot be forced upon anyone. No matter how much you may be thankful to someone or are in debt to them, you cannot just force yourself to love them. All you will have towards them is gratitude. It is also not possible to explain why you fell in love with a person...there is no wrongness in loving someone or not loving someone. The wrongness is in your selfishness: when you selfishly used another person's kindness to your advantage regardless of their feelings or your own. Your guilt runs even deeper if you selfishly love another person and carelessly inflict sadness upon the person who loves you.

My guilt is deep. I may only pray for forgiveness.